Friday, 18 April 2014

Good Friday

"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.'"
- John 11:25-26

          Today is the day of the Passion of the Christ.
           I'm having a very quiet day. For many people it's just a holiday, but it has a very strong meaning to me. Today, remembering that Jesus died for us, I also remember my mother. I pray and cry in silence, surrounded by memories of her. I have this box, where I keep loads of things from her, to her. Old cards, new cards, little things I see and I know she'd love, postcards I'd have sent her. If she only knew (does she?) how much I miss the sound of her voice! We spoke on the phone often (less often that I wish we had, really), since I live abroad, and her voice is what I miss the most. Her happy voice giving me her blessing whenever I say "Hello, mother" and she recognized my voice. Thinking of her voice is also something that breaks my heart because I remember of all the times I heard her cry and say that people didn't understand her sometimes. I didn't understand her then either. I do now. Well, now it's too late. 
           As I sit here in my writing shed, on this beautiful, sunny spring day, I think of her. I listen to the birds chirping and look at the garden. A garden she would have absolutely loved and given loads and loads of ideas for, and she never got to see. I like to think that she can see it, that she can see us from Heaven now. I know this is too simplistic an idea, the type of thing you'd say to a small child even. But I like to think that's where she is now. It comforts me and it makes me feel that she's closer to me than she'd ever been.
             I miss her so much. They say time heals everything... I don't think this ever will. 
             And so I pray, and wait, and hope that one day, when we meet again, it will be like nothing happened, and I'll have the chance to hold and kiss her again, many times, millions of times, and ask her to forgive me, and tell her that I love her... till eternity...
              I found an old notebook today. It's a notebook I ask people to write in when I left Brasil for the first time. Reading her handwriting in the "letter" she left for me, fills my heart with joy and love, for it's such a timeless message, that no matter when in my life I read it, it will always make sense...

"May my blessings be always in your mind and heart. I'm your number 1 fan, ok? A kiss and a hug from your mother. Deli."


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